It terrifies me to even THINK about losing one of my precious children. I think that’s a fear all moms can feel even from the moment they find out they are pregnant: we already know our hearts are at risk. But sadly in our world, that’s the reality for many moms still on earth while their babies are in heaven. Some courageous mamas are strong enough to use their losses to help others, and this week on Facebook I came across one such mom I just had to tell you about: Christine Miller of Growing Humans.
Christine and her husband have a blended family of 5 kids here on earth, and one, Kyle, in heaven. As Christine explains in her now viral Facebook post on the Car Seat Consultants page, she lost Kyle in a car accident when he was just three years old. Even 12 years after the fact, Miller’s post reveals she still longs for her son, and that she believes his death was preventable. She says she firmly believes that if Kyle had been in a 5-point harness seat rather than a booster seat, he would still be alive today. She has made it her mission to warn other parents NOT to put toddlers in booster seats. She says:
12 years ago today was the last time I saw this beautiful smile, kissed his sweet face or felt his little arms wrap around my neck. I had no idea that morning with him would be the last time I heard his adorable laugh and sweet voice call me mommy and see his eyes lit up with life and wonder.
I still remember so clearly how he would only fall asleep if I laid down with him and let him stroke my cheek, and I’d whisper “I love you” in his ear after he fell asleep, or how much he adored his big sister and animals of all shapes and sizes, but especially turtles. He was the sweetest, kindest, most gentle soul I’ve ever known.
There is not a day that passes that my heart does not ache with missing him and wondering what he would be like now. Losing Kyle was like being plunged straight into hell, a pain and agony beyond description. If the scars on my heart were visible, people would gasp every time they saw me. In some ways maybe that would make it easier, but instead I carry those scars and pain inside, invisible to everyone except those who know me deeply.
People see me and think I’m just a regular person, but I’m not. I’m scarred beyond belief. I’ve walked through hell and still carry a piece of it inside me.
I’ve come to realize that this kind of loss is not something you ever get over or make peace with, it’s something you eventually learn how to contain in a box of fire inside your heart, and keep a lid on so that you can function on a day to day basis. But sometimes certain things will open that box, a song, a smell, a flash of a memory and it rages and burns through you anew. It’s a pain I will carry with me until the day I die and can finally be with my sweet son again.