We slowly remembered how to be playful, to date; we laughed together again.
Dancing across the ocean
He’s gone again right now- across the ocean, in the middle of a war zone, away from us for so long. What’s ironic is that I have never felt closer to him, our marriage has never been stronger, we have never been so unified and so in love and so devoted to the health of our marriage.
Here’s what I have learned: there can be distance in a marriage because of physical separation and there can be distance in a marriage because of emotional separation. I think the second one is far worse, far more painful.
We’re finding that there are good seasons in marriage and hard seasons in marriage and we chose each other on our wedding day but we have to choose each other again every day after that. We’re finding that it’s always, always possible to restore a relationship, to bring back the love.
I learned that I can’t really change my husband after all, I can really only change myself so I began to believe the best of him- trust his love for me, trust he wants what is good for me– and move forward from there in conversations rather than assume he’s trying to wound me. I pay better attention to my soul and know when I’m becoming irritated or irrational or wounded and communicate with him before it reaches a boiling point.
Adjusting focus
We’re finding that the work of love is just that- work. It takes intentional effort, devotion, and discipline to not get into coasting mode, roommate mode. For us, the work of laying down anger, believing the best, communicating well, and learning to have fun again is what brought the love back. I discovered that when I looked for ways he missed the mark and irritated me, they were there, but when I looked for a man who was sacrificial and generous and brave and strong and loves me, he was there too. As I changed my vision and chose to notice the love instead, our marriage was life-giving once again, we are united once again.
Surprise of surprises, marriage isn’t really about me at all- my happiness, my comfort, my wants. Marriage is about selflessly taking steps in love toward each other every single day and as we both do, we discover this real, everyday love is exactly what we wanted all along.
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This article originally appeared at KathyRushing.com.
