You know what’s scary? I didn’t want it to break my heart.
Love.
It’s scary as hell.
After spending the last 11 years of my life in unhealthy, co-dependent, destructive relationships, the thought of getting back out there is slightly terrifying. Enough to make a lot of people say,
“That’s it. Never again. I’m done.”
I thought about that route for a while; and I think many people think I should choose that route. They may be right. It’s safer to be sure.
After all these years and all this time, especially after the demise of my second marriage which left me much more wrecked than anything I’ve ever experienced, I thought for sure I’d come out of it different. That I’d close that chapter and start a whole new book as a completely different type of character.
To some extent, I have and I am. But not in the ways I thought.
This divorce has taught me more about myself than I ever could’ve learned any other way. I can honestly say that I am grateful for everything that’s happened; because without it all, I may never have made it to this point.
I may have never learned my worth. I may have always settled for less than I deserve. I may have always given my heart to the wrong things and the wrong people. I may have never discovered how to be a truly strong woman, standing on my own feet rather than unknowingly expecting someone else to carry me.
So I’m grateful.
My marriage broke my heart, but the divorce healed it.
I stand here today changed. Strong. Valuable. Courageous.
But I do not stand here with some of the other labels I expected to carry.
I’m not broken. I’m not jaded. I’m not damaged. I’m not untrusting. I’m not hardened.
In fact, those parts of me that were there before, the parts that lead to some of my pain, are still very much there. I am still 100% me.
Even after all the damage and pain and trauma I’ve experienced, my heart is still the same one God placed in my chest when he formed me in my mother’s womb.
I still trust people easily. I still believe the best of everyone. You’re still innocent until proven guilty in my eyes. I still want to find love again. I still believe it exists. And I’m still willing to try.
Now don’t get me wrong. Things are different about how I will go about it this time around and I finally believe the strength of my head and my heart match. But I refuse to allow the damage of my past to dictate my future.
I refuse to hole myself up and shy away from the world because I’m afraid it will hurt me again. I refuse to allow those old decisions to cloud my future. I refuse to change the core of who I am.
