I can’t. I’ve tried.
I can’t change my heart. It’s soft.
I can’t change my soul. It’s hopeful.
And I want to keep it that way. I’m proud of the fact that after two failed marriages and some absolutely heartbreaking experiences, I’m still me.
For the first time in my life, I really like me.
I finally feel like I am who I’m supposed to be. God has carried me through each and every bad decision I’ve ever made. He’s been there to hold me when no one else could. He’s loved me when I was unlovable. He’s scooped me up off the cold hard floor of my own poor choices and he’s redeemed them all.
He’s healed my bruised heart and somehow kept His hands over it in order to keep it from changing.
The parts of me that were both damaged and damaging are being sloughed off and I am learning how to stand strong in my own skin. I’m learning to be me.
My divorce didn’t jade me. It opened my eyes. It saved me. It allowed me to live, fully me.
So that’s what I plan to do.
I’m going to dive back into life; not impulsively and stupidly, but wisely and with my perspectacles firmly planted on my hopeful face.
I’ll probably make some mistakes along the way, but those don’t scare me.
Life is here to be lived. God has given me a second (or a millionth) chance. He’s got me. And He’s got you.
I’ve learned that there’s nothing wrong with me or my heart. God made me the way he made me for a very specific reason. Sure, it’s gotten me hurt; and it may get me hurt again. But I’m willing to take that risk because this time around, I’m doing it with all the pieces.
I’m not searching for someone else to be my missing piece. I’m not broken looking for someone else to heal me. And I’m not on the hunt for someone else that’s broken and in need of my saving.
Love is scary. Life is scary and it may break my heart. But if we never take risks, we may never get any rewards.
So if you’ve been through the hard things, and we all have, don’t stop being you because of them. Learn the lessons. Make the changes. Keep your eyes open and do guard your heart. But don’t close it off or shut it down just because you gave it to the wrong people in the past.
Give it to God first and then trust that He will help guide you to the right places.
There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with you. We’ve made mistakes, as all people do, and we will likely make more. Hopefully we will never make the same mistakes again; but I know for sure that for me, the biggest mistake of all would be trying to harden my heart just because I don’t want anyone to break my heart and be someone I’m not just because I’ve been hurt in the past. I won’t break my heart.
