And now you’re on the cusp of high school and I know it’s all going to change again. There will be so much more space needed for you to become your own, for me to let go and I don’t know where to find it, much less give it.
So much letting go and it just squeezes my heart until I can’t breathe. I can already see you walking out the door towards your future.
The first day of your job.
And the moment I dread and dream of all at once. The day when you introduce me to my future daughter-in-love. The one who will take my place to lift you up, to hold you in her embrace, and to push you to be your best. She will be the one you will confide in. The one who keeps your secrets, the one who holds you to her chest.
But…Someday you’ll hold your child, fresh from the womb on your chest. Maybe then you’ll understand as your heart shatters to a million pieces as all your dreams, ideas, and what you thought life was about–being rebuilt into that little person. Maybe then you’ll understand.
In the meantime, be patient with me as I let go and share you with the world. After all, you were mine for nine months before I had to share the dream of you with the world. You were my dream before your first heartbeat.
Be patient with me as I loosen the white knuckle grip I have on you. Be patient with me as I open the arms that have carried you since the moment you breathed life. Be patient with me as I learn to do less holding and teaching so I can do more listening and encouraging.
Be patient as I learn to let go. I love you more than you’ll ever know. And darling, I am still dreaming of your tomorrows.