9 Years After Miscarriage, This Mom Takes a Heart-Wrenching Self-Portrait

I embraced those memories and emotions as I heard the camera click. Real tears streamed down my face as I looked at the image I took. I thought about taking more, but I couldn’t. That was enough. That self portrait was so personal, so intimate and real tears streamed down my face through the process. I saved it to our family folder on my computer and tried to move on with my day. But it sat there, nagging at me. No. This was one image I couldn’t keep to myself. Even if one person could relate to it, maybe it would help them know they aren’t alone. Maybe it would help one mom know that it’s OK to not be OK.

1 in 8 women have infertility.
1 in 4 women have miscarried or lost an unborn baby.
8% of pregnancies are high risk where a mother and/or her baby’s life is in danger through the course of her pregnancy.
26,000 babies every year are born without life.

We mourn losses we never got to physically touch. I didn’t bury a body, there was no funeral. I got an empty crib and unloved teddy bears. So what happens to the mom that never got to hold her baby? For months, I was scared to ask if I was still even a mom. It’s not like not getting a job or missing out on some prize you had your heart set on. Its this invisible person inside of you who never gets to have a face or a voice because they’re shoved so far beneath the things that ‘really matter.’

I took that portrait for myself, but it was so much larger than that. It was a visual admittance to a loss I’d never really been able to rationalize before that. Since then, I’ve realized that we aren’t as silent and invisible as we think. Who wants to hear stories about the babies that never were and the moms that never got to be? The parents going through it or who will go through it. I truly thought I was alone. I had no voice. I didn’t KNOW it was ok to feel this incredible sense of loss and emptiness. And sometimes, the only people who can really understand what we’ve gone through are the people who have actually gone through it. It’s hard to believe in our own selves but it’s easier to find hope for a friend. I was so immersed in grief, I didn’t know there was hope for a future. I didn’t know I’d sit here typing this with two beautiful rainbow babies. Within loss, there is hope and we have the ability to share that with others when we share our experiences or even just a quiet, ‘you aren’t alone.’


This article originally appeared at LoveWhatMatters.com. Follow Liz Beisell of Inspirations By Liz Photography on Facebook.

My First Parenting Lesson Was a Hard One

Jenny Rapson
Jenny Rapson
Jenny is a follower of Christ, a wife and mom of three from Ohio and a freelance writer and editor.

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