It could have started a dynamic where the other mom and I started intentionally leaving each other’s daughters out. It could have stirred up division, anger, and suspicion. It could have ruined any chance we had of ever truly liking each other.
Sadly, this dynamic happens too often these days, and the ones who pay the biggest price are our kids, who learn to trust their worst assumptions and never develop the skills they need to resolve relationship conflict.
I once asked a principal whom I met through my work with teen girls what advice he had for parents. After thinking a few seconds, he said this: Assume positive intent. One thing he often sees is people jumping to conclusions about the intentions of others without knowing the facts.
To assume positive intent, we have to retrain our minds to:
1) not automatically assume the worst and
2) assume that people go into situations with positive intent.
Do some parents act deliberately mean and malicious? Of course. I am certain that all of us have encountered some parents who like to intentionally target victims (children and adults), stir up suspicion, and craft sneaky schemes.
But in my opinion, parents like that are not the norm. They’re a small part of the parent population who make life harder than it has to be and hurt their families in the process.
That is how a mind assumes negative intent. Here is how a mind would assume positive intent.
“Maybe my daughter was left out by accident. I know I’ve certainly done that before. Maybe the mom is busy and tired like the rest of us, or she’s driving the girls somewhere and only has six seats in her car. Whatever the case, I won’t let it ruffle my feathers. I have bigger things to worry about, and I can use this event to teach my daughter empathy for people who get left out on a regular basis.”
Yes, some parents are untrustworthy, but many are not. Many parents just want to raise good kids and be good parents, not intentionally harm others. As parents we have a choice. We can let the bad apples we know (or hear about) taint our view of every parent, or we can assume the best until the evidence proves otherwise. We can parent with skepticism or parent with joy, seeking truth and not revenge when conflict does arise.
That incident with my daughter turned out to be a blessing. She and I both learned invaluable lessons that have helped us in other relationships. Always try to assume positive intent.
This article originally appeared at KariKampakis.com.
