I want my boys to see failure, rejection, and loss as essential components of life. I want them to measure self-worth internally, not by a score on a scoreboard. I want them to know excellence and hard work matter. Life doesn’t give you a trophy because you show up. Sometimes you fail. But failure isn’t final.
6.) TO SAY NO AND PROTECT THEIR BOUNDARIES
From the moment my boys could crawl, they pushed our boundaries. If we told them to stay away from the electrical outlet, they crawled to the electrical outlet. If we told them not to stand in the chair, they stood in the chair.
At first, I thought my kids were evil creatures who gained pleasure from my frustration.
Eventually, however, I realized they tested our boundaries because they wanted to ensure they actually existed.
Establish boundaries between your children and your expectations. They should clearly know what is appropriate. But you must also establish boundaries between your children and the endless barrage of activities and opportunities.
You can’t do everything. Your children can’t experience everything. To them, every opportunity looks good. It’s your job to keep your children grounded and prevent them from drowning in activities.
Don’t allow your family to worship the idol of overcommitment. Learn to say no.
Overcommitment is one of the great idols of American Christianity. We worship this idol because it tells us we’re important and our children are gifted. And, unfortunately, we sacrifice our children on this altar. We enjoy the satisfaction from our children being the best. This gives us importance. But it creates teenagers stretched thin, obsessed with outward achievements, and overcome with anxiety.
Your children might not say this, but they need you to say no.
7.) HELP THEM BECOME THE MAN OR WOMAN THEY WERE CREATED TO BE, NOT WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE
Before becoming a parent, I dreamed about having a son. We would play catch. I would coach his little league team. He would grow into an athletic shortstop and play college baseball.
Somewhere between conception and birth, God started working on my heart. I realized my dreams weren’t about my son at all. They were about me. I wanted to relive the moments that highlighted my childhood. God challenged me to see my children like he does, without pre-conceived expectations.
Maybe my children will play baseball and golf like their old man. But I’m much more concerned with helping them become the men and women God created them to be. As parents, this should be your goal. Help your children recognize their gifts, those things they naturally do well. Give them space to explore and try new things. Don’t impose your expectations on them.
Don’t compare your children. They’re created uniquely, not equally.
And never compare your children. They’re created uniquely, not equally. The barometer for your children isn’t a sibling or your friends’ kids. It’s the mirror. Teach them to compete against the person they were yesterday, not the person beside them.
Your greatest competition in the fight for greatness is the man in the mirror. Stop comparing your children. Start challenging them to be the best version of themselves.
8.) TALK ABOUT SEX AND OTHER HARD TOPICS EARLY AND OFTEN
My youngest son is almost three, but he’s already curious about the body. He asks about different “parts” and why boy and girls don’t “look the same.” So (cue the awkwardness) we’ve already had a sex talk with him. Not like the one he’ll receive as a teenager. But we’ve explained that God created boys and girls with certain body parts. We also explained that God created Micah’s “parts” only for Micah, and Noah’s “parts” for Noah. No one should touch their “parts” and they shouldn’t touch other’s “parts.”
That’s elementary, yes.
But Tiffani and I are determined not to dodge the uncomfortable subjects. Growing up, I had one painfully awkward sex talk. Literally, it was painful. It’s like an unexpected bombshell of private parts and words you can’t pronounce blows up in your face, severing your desire to ever discuss sex with your parents.
Rather than dropping a bombshell on your children, why not teach them about sex like you would other things God created? Why not diffuse the awkward bomb with periodic conversations?
You can’t avoid the hard subjects. Your children will inevitably learn about sex. They will hear about drugs and alcohol. The question is who will tell them?
To sit back and assume they’ll figure it out is bad parenting. Sex is a beautiful gift from God. But when it’s used outside of God’s boundaries, sex destroys. And if you don’t create a culture of open dialogue, your children will find a culture that does. And that usually doesn’t end well.
9.) PRAY FOR THEM, WITH THEM, AND OVER THEM
I plead with you to pray for your children, whether they’re a few days old or few days from graduation. I would not be here without the flood of prayers from my parents and close friends.
Tiffani and I pray with our boys every night. We also pray over them, individually. We pray for their future spouse. We pray for God to surround them with a Christ-centered community. We pray for God to protect their heart and mind.
Prayer trumps any parenting style. It’s also a blanket of grace, covering your mistakes and failures. When your children struggle, this blanket catches them.
Prayer changes things.
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I don’t have parenting figured out. It’s incredibly weighty and difficult, but it’s also immensely rewarding. By God’s grace, you’re shaping the eternal trajectory of your children.
Although the world is complex and loaded with pitfalls, if you give things kids need your children can thrive.
I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!
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