This year is a special Mother’s Day for me. My first with a baby on earth and my first with a baby in heaven. While I’ve not been a mother for very long at all, it doesn’t take one too long to realize that motherhood is a journey of the deepest griefs and the greatest joys.
My first born, Emilia, has filled me with such a sense of elation and joy. However, I remember when she was first born, her cries would evoke in me such a sense of urgency, and my heart would then have this crushing sense of grief when I realized that as hard as I try, I will never be able to keep my sweet girl from pain. Ever since that day, I’ve prayed that Emilia would know the one that can hold her best. And that every disappointment, grief, and heartache she may face, would draw her closer to the one who holds her better than I ever could.
And most recently, my sweet angel baby, the joy of their coming was too soon turned to the greatest disappointment. Their presence never realized, has left much to be missed and cried over. And yet, in the grief, there stands this peaceful joy, that my baby only knew the safety of my womb and then ultimately the safety of the arms of Jesus. There is a mercy in that. That sweet baby that I never got to welcome home, stands as a reminder to me, there is some place after this, there is someone holding us, and that’s where I want to be – perfectly held.
And so as I lay my little earth side girl down for another night of sleep, that prayer for her begins to echo on my lips again, but this time I don’t just pray it for her, I pray it for me: Jesus I want to know you more. I want to be found held close by you. Hold me close in the joys and closer in the griefs. May I let you be the one who holds my life till the day I join my angel baby, forever in your arms.
Didn’t I say it? This year is a special Mother’s Day for me. This Mother’s Day, I have two babies bringing with them their griefs but also so much joy! What a gift! I’m just beginning in motherhood so I know my joys and griefs will only grow with time, but I know by God’s grace each one will bring me a little closer to Him, the one who holds me and the one who holds my babies so perfectly.
To all the mommas of angel babies, rainbow babies, sunshine babies, adopted babies, and to all women that stand in the gap as mommas, and to all women that are still waiting for their earth side baby, Happy Mother’s Day! Whether your eyes are tearful this year or your smile is joy-filled, may you know the one that holds you best. May each hand raised in praise, knee bent in prayer, heart raised in thanksgiving, or voice pleading its cries draw you closer to the greatest protector – He’s holding you no matter the kind of babies you have – and he’s holding your babies no matter where they are. May you know Him and be held by Him and may your babies know Him and find themselves better held by Him then they ever could be by you. What a joy it is to know Him and what a privileged gift to be a mother – Happy Mother’s Day
