In no particular order, these are actually the things that I always say. You want a peek inside the Hatmaker home? This is basically the repeating script in these four walls:
Top 10 Things Moms Always Say
1. “Did you brush your teeth?”
One might think this was unnecessary since almost all my kids are teenagers, but ONE WOULD BE WRONG. Kids are disgusting.
2. “You need to get off your phone.”
If you cannot put your phone down while I am talking to you, I will crush the phone with my bare hands and get you a landline with a cord.
3. “Is this yours?”
This is not nearly as innocent as it sounds. It is sarcastic. I am being a smart ass. I KNOW IT IS YOURS. Get your crap off my floor/counter/table/stairs.
4. “If I need your help parenting, I will ask.”
72 million. Is the number of times I say this a week. For a bunch of non breeders, my kids sure do know EVERYTHING about how to punish their siblings.
5. “If I need your help driving, I will ask.”
The amount of instruction I received from the back seat from these non-driving critics is absurd. The inmates always want to run my asylum.
6. “Go to bed.” “Get up.”
I am always wanting them to be asleep when they’re awake and awake when they’re asleep. Sorry, Baby Moms. This crap never ends. SLEEP RIGHT, JOKERS.
7. *Blank, dead-eyed stare*
This technically involves no words, but it follows some child’s smart-alecky back talk. It says all it needs to say. BOY, YOU BETTER COME CORRECT OR DON’T COME AT ALL. Don’t even think I am here to play.
8. “Did you ______?”
I am asking if they have done the thing I told them to do 27 times already. This is often combined with #7 to deadly effect. Their answer is always no because their complicated lives have yet again interfered with difficult tasks like picking up their shoes.
9. “Too many words.”
I have five children and none of them are shy and all of them have too many opinions and some of their things are crushingly boring like descriptions of their dreams and Minecraft. I can’t. Tell Siri. Or tighten up this story.
10. “I love you!”
I will say this anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone. Nobody puts baby in a corner. I love you when I drop you off at school. I love you when you leave with your friends. I love you when I’m on the phone with you in front of your people. I don’t even care. I birthed you or adopted you and I will say what I want.
And now you know 94% of all our conversations. Mystery solved. These are the things “I always say.” God bless the children and give them strength to endure.
Posted by Jen Hatmaker on Friday, January 13, 2017
