There are ways that I have improved in the past 5 years though.
I can now write here on my blog, addressing some challenging topics (I do so want to encourage others!).
I can make art again. In the past I loved to create… sewing, drawing, painting and photography. For almost 5 years after escaping my abusive marriage, I was struggling too much to enjoy any of those activities. Now, 5 years later, when I was about to lose hope of ever enjoying those creative parts of myself, here I am, writing and making art again.
I don’t think that I’m triggered less often now but I’m getting better at identifying when I’m triggered and it doesn’t “freak me out” as badly when I am. Since I am more adept at identifying when I’m triggered, I am able to take care of myself by retreating from overwhelming situations more quickly to rest and regroup.
Hope in the midst of the mess
As horrible as CPTSD is, I want you to know this: there is still joy in the midst of the struggle.
I still laugh with my children. We have so much fun together. My boys love to make me laugh… it’s become a bit of a competition between them to see who can show me the funniest memes each day.
I have even come to find some humor in some of my weird panicky reactions to things (after the fact).
I have been blessed with an Australian Labradoodle, which I am training to be a service dog for me. He brings all of us so much joy.
Truthfully, I am not sure that I’ll ever totally “conquer” CPTSD but I am learning to manage it.
As with other hard things in my life, this too provides a perfect backdrop to highlight God’s faithfulness.
I am gradually learning contentment in the midst of my struggles. By that, I don’t mean that I’m “giving up” and saying “Ah well, it is what it is!”
Instead I’m actively working to learn new ways to heal and better manage the symptoms of PTSD while I embrace my weakness and struggles.
My brokenness allows me to experience God’s faithfulness in deep ways that I otherwise wouldn’t have.
My struggles and pain also give me opportunities to encourage others as I share stories of His faithfulness with others.
God is faithful in the very midst of my struggles, not only if He chooses to remove them.
Recovery
Many people do recover from PTSD and even CPTSD. There are numerous healing resources to explore.
At this point I do not consider myself to be “healed” from CPTSD or PTSD, but I am learning ways to manage the symptoms. This creates enough margin in my life for me to function and be available for my children.
Additionally, over the past 5 1/2 years, I have had enough panic attacks and severely triggered episodes that I am not totally blindsided by them. I have past experience to draw from, with the knowledge that while they are horrible when I am in the midst of them, they do eventually pass.
In the future I might share some specific things that have helped me but the reality is that what works for one person will not be a guaranteed cure for another.
Be kind to yourself
Perhaps you are also in the thick of PTSD or Complex PTSD.
If I could share one thing with you it would be this: please be gentle with yourself.
I am confident that the Lord is mindful that we are but dust. (every time I type “but dust” I remember the story of the little boy in church who, after hearing the pastor say that phrase, whispered to his mom, “What’s butt dust?” lol).
Reminding myself of God’s compassion towards my frailty encourages me.
As much as our Western society like to promote “fake it till you make it,” “pull yourself by your bootstraps,” “just do it” and other similar mantras, the fact is that we are weak.
It is in our weakness that Christ is strong. I am learning to embrace my weaknesses and rely instead on Christ’s strength and compassion for me, even when I’m not “strong.”
Your struggles are not evidence that the Lord is upset with you, or that you are not trying hard enough.
Your struggles are evidence that you are human.
Your struggles also prove the extreme nature of the traumas you have had to live through.
Please be ever so kind to yourself.
Philip Monroe’s perspective on recovery from trauma is excellent:
Recovery and renewal during and after trauma likely will not eliminate the consequences of violence until the final return of Jesus Christ. Despite our call to heal the broken and free those enslaved, we are given no promise that the consequences of violence are fully removed until the final judgment. Rarely do we expect lost limbs to grow back or traumatic brain injuries to be erased upon recovery from an accident.Yet sometimes we assume that traumatic reactions such as startle responses, flashbacks, or overwhelming panic should evaporate if the person has recovered. A robust theology of trauma recognizes we have no promise of recovery in this life. What we do have is theology of presence. God is with us and will strengthen us, guiding us to serve him and participate in his mission to glory. -Philip Monroe
A “theology of presence.” I love that. What more could I need?
Hope for Moving Forward
My desire in writing this article is to provide information for those who find themselves dealing with PTSD or Complex-PTSD as well as for those who are supporting someone with PTSD or CPTSD.
Here is the most hopeful thing: Christ’s presence in the thick of CPTSD symptoms.
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This article originally appeared at SusanEMoore.com.
