Then the real work began on the inside of me. Day by day, I tried to do what I knew God wanted me to do, without inviting Brian along. When the approval monster crept up, I started to care less and less and was able to tell it to shut up because the approval of my Father became enough for me. I asked the Lord to blind my spiritual eyes to the little things that pop up that bother me, and He did. Instead of just not keeping a record of wrong, I started keeping a record of right. Every time the devil tried to throw it in my face that there’s been no progress, that things won’t ever change, I threw it in his face that God already is moving in me, and I believe He will move in Brian, even if the amount seems insignificant. I refused to let my mind go to a place of stewing on all the things he’s done wrong, and just starting cranking up the worship music instead, so I could fix my mind on things above, and not on things on the earth. I’d have to literally stop my mind from going down a negative track that leads to bitterness, and start professing that I believe my God will be faithful to me. Hardest of all, God told me to start seeing and respecting Brian right now as if he had already become the fullness of all God wants him to be.
Everything Changed
After staying at it for about 3-4 years, I started to notice that everything is different from what it was 3-4 years before. We started bearing fruit. Brian would pray for me (without me even asking), and his prayers were so powerful and loving and anointed, I could barely even believe it was his mouth that these words were coming out of when I opened my eyes. He started wanting to serve in places that felt too hard for me to even serve. He wanted to give in places where I didn’t feel like being generous. God started show us how Brian does really well at leading us in the macro vision for our family life, and I do well at initiating the daily little steps it takes to get us there. We began to see how God was to using our unique gifts and idiosyncrasies to compliment and not clash with each other. And little by little, we fell in love all over again.
We are each other’s best friends. He’s my number one supporter in all my dreams and gifts and believes in me far more than I believe in myself most days. And as for me, I’ve grown to love it when I see my husband connecting with the Lord in ways that may seem outside of the box for most people. He feels His presence when he writes metal music and rides his bike, so I am glad when he does. Most of all, I stopped trying to make a deacon out of him or some big church-y, spiritual beacon. I run the race God has set before me with his blessing but maybe not with him holding my hand, and I’m more than okay with that.
