“I would love to do foster care, but I could never do that. Raise a child in my home and then possibly have it removed from me. That would break my heart. I just couldn’t handle it.” I’ve said it myself and I’ve heard it a million times. I’ve even said the words, “I’m just not that selfless”.
I didn’t think adopting through foster care was the right choice for my family. I was scared. I feared the heartache. I feared the bruise my ego would take after I raised a child in my perfect little home with my perfect parenting standards, and then watched that child be removed and sent to live to with a not-so-perfect family. How could I ever handle that? I feared the grief I would go through, the empty house, the inability to move on and try again. Other families fear the effect and toll it will have on their resident children. The list of fears that keep people from doing the things they wish they could do is very long.
I was fearful and I surely wasn’t selfless. But, I needed a baby. Like, REALLY needed a baby. Everyone chooses to become involved in foster care for different reasons. Some choose to foster and/or adopt before even trying to have biological children. Some choose it after they have created their own biological brood. Others, like us, choose it because they can’t get pregnant and they have a big, deep, dark, vacant black hole to fill. Not to be too dramatic, but if you’ve gone through “unexplained infertility” you know that black hole of which I speak.
I’m very open about (well, about almost everything) being a foster/adoptive parent and often say that one of the reasons we chose to go through foster care was because we didn’t want to spend exorbitant amounts of money to grow our family. That nothing in life, no way of bringing a child into this word is a “sure thing” and therefore we didn’t want to add financial loss to the heartache of losing a potential child. But thinking back…would we have? If we had the money to do so…would we have tried IVF, surrogacy, private adoption – had we had the opportunity? Yah, we probably would have. Because that would have been less scary. However, everything really does happen for a reason and I’m thankful every day we didn’t have those opportunities because it gave us the chance to adopt through foster care. Notice I didn’t say because it gave us the opportunity to have our son. While he himself is a blessing to our family, that’s not my point here. My point here is that I’m actually thankful we experienced foster care. We experienced doing something selfless, though admittedly for a very selfish reason. It gave us the opportunity to learn what we’re actually capable of – when the fear of doing so is removed.
Fear: I was afraid of losing the child we were raising through this process. But for the first time I had a child in my home. I was finally raising a child. I was feeding him, rocking him, training him to sleep. I was clicking him safely and snuggly into his car seat and I was walking my little stroller around town. I was filling bottles and washing burp cloths. I was staring deeply into his eyes at 2am. I was tired and blissfully happy because I was finally raising a baby. I was not worrying about if I could get pregnant or if I was ever going to be a mother and raise a family. I was raising a child. I remember telling someone, “Yes, it’s not a sure thing… but at least I have a baby in my home. I’m doing something. I’m loving him and being loved back by this tiny amazing little creature.”
Fear: At any point a relative could have been approved and he could have been placed with that family. Or, his parents may have been successful in completing their service plan and be awarded him back. Or the court or CWS may have made any number of decisions I wouldn’t agree with. My response to this was, “Yes. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt so badly I wont be able to move. But after I grieve, I’ll get up and wash it off and I’ll DO IT AGAIN. Because I want a baby.” This is where the byproduct of selflessness comes in. I knew that for however short or long I had him, I was giving him the best life he could have in a time when he so desperately needed it – at least that made me feel better at the time.
