Eventually I did move forward. In what seemed like a long journey at the time (and was actually quite short in hindsight), I came to the realization that my heart’s desire was to be a mother. Period. And you know what? For me, that had NOTHING to do with being pregnant. I felt like God called me to be a mother, and I knew that He had the most perfect child out there for us. This led us down the road to adoption, and I am now the proud mother of the two most perfect babies!
Being their mom has brought my journey full circle. I cannot imagine loving any two humans more than I love those guys. Before we adopted I heard a friend of mine say “It wouldn’t have mattered,” referring to her children being biological or adopted, and I think that as you’re beginning a journey into foster care or adoption, you wonder if that will really be true. Let me tell you, it IS true. It wouldn’t have mattered if I birthed these babies, or someone else did. They are mine, and I love them fiercely, deeply, and with every fiber of my being. I tell them all the time that God gave their birthmother good health for 9 months so that she could grow them in her belly, and He knew all along that when they came out, I would be their mommy. (Side note: They think it’s weird that people sometimes keep the babies that are growing in their bellies and don’t give them to other moms. We’re working through that…)
I still miss my mom fiercely. This year will be 20 years that she’s been gone, and I still think of her every day. My kids ask about her, and they like to visit her grave so I can tell them stories while they look at the beautiful flowers my brother keeps on there. (They also think it’s weird that people are buried under ground, and frequently ask why she can’t be buried on top of the grass where they can see her. I’m always really creative about changing the subject…)
As for Mother’s Day, my grandmother is gone now, and I don’t really see my mom’s family much at all anymore. It still feels weird for me to celebrate Mother’s Day, and I STILL don’t like going to church that Sunday. Those of you who are hurting and wanting so desperately to be a mom, please know that on Mother’s Day, I STILL hurt with you even though God has answered my prayers beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I see you. I feel your pain. And you know what? I hope I always do. I hope I always remember the hurt and hard times on my journey because those shadows are what serve to provide such a beautiful backdrop to the bright times.
Brene Brown is one of my favorite authors, and this quote is from her. If you’ve never read her books, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Just be prepared to do some deep soul searching when you read them…
Bright light without darkness is glaring. It’s unpleasant, and so blinding that you can’t see anything for what it really is. But bright light defined by the shadows of heartbreak and pain is BEAUTIFUL. It allows you to have perspective, and to see things for what they are when the bright parts come. Take heart that the dark time you’re walking through right now, painful as it may be, is merely serving as a defining shadow for a really bright part of your life. It’s the dark before the morning! So, to all of you out there who are a mom or ever will desire to be one, I SEE YOUR MAMA HEART, AND IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL!
Happy Mother’s Day!
