7. The Short Shorts Girl – Despite having sat through 4,391 talks (not sermons) on modesty and wearing a purity ring since age 4, Short Shorts Girl still pushes the boundaries of racy fashion. Short Shorts Girl wears the short shorts for one of two reasons: she is blissfully unaware that every youth group guy is staring at her or she is fully aware that every guy is staring at her.
8. The Shirtless Guy – Shirtless Guy never misses an opportunity to rip his shirt off and display his woefully underdeveloped physique. As soon as the temperature climbs above 50 degrees, you can be sure that Shirtless Guy will be strutting about with his vampiric skin and flabby pectorals on full display. Occasionally Shirtless Guy is also “Exchange Student Guy Who Wears A Speedo”, but this rarely happens.
9. The Backrub Guy – Backrub Guy can always be counted on to initiate borderline inappropriate contact with the girls in the youth group. Backrub Guy (also known as “Hug Guy”) knows that he can’t straight-up make out with girls at youth group, but he will push things as far as he can without drawing the ire of parents or leaders. Backrub Guy is unaware that there should always be room for the Holy Spirit between a guy and a girl.
10. The Inappropriate Prayer Request Girl – Inappropriate Prayer Request Girl is incredibly sincere but doesn’t understand that some prayer requests should not be voiced at youth group. Thus it’s not uncommon for her to ask for strength not have sex with her boyfriend or to stop doing cocaine in the school bathroom. Homeschool Kid doesn’t understand what any of these terms mean but all the other kids do.
11. The Awkward Sullen Sound Guy – No one actually knows Awkward Sullen Sound Guy’s (ASSG) real name. Despite having never missed a meeting, he has said a grand total of 6 words over 4 years. He typically speaks in a series of grunts and clicks. ASSG is best friends with ASLG (Awkward Sullen Lyrics Guy) and will grow up to be Awkward Sullen Sound Grownup Guy.
12. The Too Spiritual For Youth Group Girl – Too Spiritual For Youth Group Girl (TSFYG) has never actually attended youth group because her family is fundamentally opposed to the idea. She, along with her 19 brothers and sisters, attends church functions with her parents. Often time TSFYG and Homeschool Girl are one and the same. She also only listens to The Gaither Vocal Band and wears her hair down to her ankles. She will graduate college by age 16.
13. The Bad Influence Kid – Bad Influence Kid often, but not always, comes from a “bad home” (whatever that means). The “good” families get very nervous about Bad Influence Kid, fearful that he/she might teach their kids how to do freebase cocaine or set up a gambling ring. It’s not uncommon for Bad Influence Kid to get saved at the same time Answer Girl has a total crisis of faith and briefly embraces atheism.
14. The Not Funny Funny Kid – Not Funny Funny Kid has just discovered the existence of sarcasm and deploys it at every opportunity. Not Funny Funny Kid is convinced that he is the funniest person since Jerry Seinfeld and never misses the opportunity to not be funny. Youth leaders have to talk to him at least once per meeting about how it’s not funny to make jokes about girls weight.
This was a collective effort by myself, Barnabas, and Ted at The Blazing Center (original here.) Did we miss any?
