Today, I lost it.
The mental load of motherhood broke me. Finito. Buh-bye. GONE. I could feel my nerves fraying at the seams as my toddler refused to listen to anything I said. And in true me fashion, I cried. I lost my patience. I slammed cabinets and scraped plates filled with uneaten dinner. I took away privileges and declared mommy law.
Every ounce of me was tired. Tired of fighting; of the power struggle that is my toddler’s strong will and my need for him to behave.
This is what no one tells you about. The hard stuff. The moments that break us open, that send us to the brink. Motherhood has torn me down and built me up more times than I can count and served it up as a big piece of humble pie.
But, sister, I have to ask the question. Why do we hide it? Why do we lie through our teeth and utter the words, “I’m fine” to our friends when we are anything but?
We have to stop hiding in the closet with our guilt and frustrations. If a friend shares her truth and says she’s in a funk, don’t tell her your life is sunshine and rainbows, tell her you’re in the freaking arena with her.
Admit that you don’t have it altogether either.
Because, let’s be honest – we all lose it. Every single one of us.
I know it’s hard, isn’t it? This motherhood thing. It’s OK to say that out loud, that doesn’t make you a bad mom – it makes you real.
So, to the tired mama having a rough week, let me tell you what no one else will.
There are going to be days. Days where it’s all too much. Days where the fighting and bickering send you over the edge. Days where the baby won’t sleep and the toddler just spilled a newly poured bowl of cereal all over the wood floor, and you hit your knees in exhaustion. You’re going to feel your blood pressure rise and your patience dwindle. You’re going to lose it. You’re going to question yourself – all the time. You’re going to wish bedtime would come sooner. You’re going to cry a lot. You’re going to long for five minutes to yourself. You’ll wonder if you are getting any of this right; if you are cut out for this job at all.
But let me tell you … you ARE. You’re getting more right than you think.
Do you know why?
Because you show up. You show up through the hard stuff.
Even on the days, weeks or maybe even months when we’re in a rut and we can’t quite claw our way out – you don’t quit. Sure, we cry. We have our moments where we feel like we can’t go on and then we wipe our tears, throw on a clean pair of yoga pants and we push forward.
Am I tired? Absolutely. I’m tired of the constant correcting, of no one listening. Negotiating. Referring. Cleaning. Fighting.
But, I’m more tired of hiding my messy and I think you are too.
So when the tears won’t stop, when every ounce of patience is lost and you feel as though you can’t do this – sister, I am with you. You’re not alone. I am in the arena too and I’m giving you a standing ovation.
Through all of it. The tears and the smiles. The failures and the wins.
I know some days it’s all too much. I know some days it all comes to a head but don’t ever doubt your strength. Don’t ever question what you’re capable of and how much those babies love you.
Go ahead and cry, sis but then wipe those tears and get back up. Today you may have lost it just like I did, but you’re not failing – you’re fierce.