After 6 hours of labor with my second child, our nurse ran in our room and told me to get up on my hands and knees. There was an urgency in her voice that instilled fear in my heart and caused Jesse & my mom to jump. She told me to hurry and lay on my right side. Then left side. Then hands and knees again.
She scrambled with the heart monitor and then said the words that made me feel like I was crumbling into a million pieces. “Lindsey, we’ve lost your son’s heartbeat.”
Tears rolled down my cheek. All I could do was desperately plead with God to not take our baby home. Our midwife and 4 nurses rushed in frantically, broke my water and attached a monitor directly onto Saxon’s head. I’ll always remember that moment of waiting, completely helpless, and realizing that everything I have is under God’s control. He gives and He takes away.
After what felt like forever, Saxon’s heartbeat started back up again. Our midwife couldn’t explain why (his heart rate had dropped off before, but never for this long.) 5 more hours of labor felt like forever. When it was time to push, Jesse and I broke down in tears of relief and so much joy.
When Saxon arrived, our midwife said, “Oh my gosh, look!” We looked and saw that his umbilical cord was in a “true knot.” She explained that the knot is considered good luck, because it’s formed very early on.
Babies with a true knot umbilical cord typically don’t make it through the entire pregnancy.
She then explained that my polyhydramnios (which I complained about all pregnancy because it was unexplained & there was no reason I should have had it) completely saved my baby’s life. The excess fluid in my stomach only allowed the cord to cut off his oxygen for very short periods of time before it moved him around again. This is a reminder to me that the trials we complain about likely always have a purpose in God’s plan.
He is now a healthy 3 month old miracle baby, asleep in my arms as I write this! I know that not every momma’s story ends like this, and my heart breaks into pieces at the thought of what those families have to endure.
I have to choose to trust that God is good, even in the moments when I really just don’t understand why some things happen the way they do.
If you are facing something today that feels unfair, discouraging or even heartbreaking, remember that the Lord is near to the broken-hearted and the crushed in spirit.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Rev. 21:4
This moment holding Saxon for the first time next to his precious daddy will always remind me that beauty comes from ashes. In moments of fear or doubt, there is only One in control and only One who gives real, unending hope.
This story originally appeared on Sparrows + Lily, published with permission.