My husband and I dated for 4 ½ years before we walked down the aisle. So basically, we thought we had each other pretty well figured out. And this marriage thing? We’d obviously have it down pat. Then, one rainy afternoon in May we said ‘I Do,’ and we realized how little we actually knew about each other. No, there were no deep dark secrets or crazy skeletons hiding in our closets, sorry to disappoint. But the little thing that we discovered on a whole new level once we were married…
We were raised differently. He grew up with all boys and non-stop ESPN (i.e. my Mother-in-law is a saint) and I grew up with all girls, lots of shopping and a constant stream of Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals. (i.e. my Father is a saint)
The first few months into our marriage, we did our best to love each other and to play house, but we didn’t know what the heck we were doing. Some of our ‘serious disagreements’ are hysterical to look back on now. I mean, did you know that there is a right and a wrong way to fold towels? Chris didn’t either. Poor man, because one random Thursday his wife deemed it a necessary hill to die on.
Over the years we’ve learned a lot. We put some of our ridiculousness to bed. We learned how to humble ourselves and We started educating ourselves about the opposite sex. The results? Staggering, you ready for this?…We got better. We became better spouses, better at understanding each others wiring and better at extending grace. Perfect? Not on your life. Not until pigs fly and they invent a cellulite cream that actually works. But determined to keep improving at how we love each other? You better believe it.
Today friend, I’m bringing you a little collaboration. That’s right, I brought in the big guns because I knew you’d benefit from a man’s perspective.
So all my ladies in the house, straight from my man himself, here are 5 things your husband wants you to know.
1. Your Husband Wants to be Your Hero
When you and your husband were first dating you had a huge level of respect for him. You couldn’t help but look at him with that twinkle in your eye because you believed in him so much! You knew he could do anything he put his mind to. Truth be told, you believed in him more than he believed in himself. Your confidence in him empowered him to be things he never thought that he could be and do things he never thought he could do.
Then you married him.
And over time you may have lost some of that belief because you’ve seen his flaws. It’s much easier to nag him into doing things now instead of believing that he’s still your superman. BUT, if you start believing in him again and looking at him like a superhero, watch out-he might actually become one.
2. Your Husband Wants to be Respected
A man can spend his whole day at work “putting out fires,” fixing problems and solving issues. Some men go to work everyday and what they’re doing is literally changing the world. At work, they’re admired and at work, they’re respected. Then many times they walk in the door of their home and are treated like morons.
I get it, wives work really hard all day long; running their homes and many times outside jobs in an exceptionally organized manor. And because you work so hard and perhaps he doesn’t do as much around the house, you may feel the right to treat him like an idiot. Your frustration can cause you to make fun of him both in private and in public. And thatlack of respect only pushes your husband further and further away.
Ladies, If you want that husband of yours to crave spending time with you, if you want to be swept off your feet again and treated like the princess that you are, then stop beating him down with disrespect. Treat him with admiration; take care of his needs before your own, go out of your way to do little things for him. Pack him lunch; take care of him. When he walks through the door, let him rest and catch his breath for a minute before you throw the kids and a whole list of things to do at him.
If you make your home a safe haven of love and respect, then he will not only be excited to come home and spend time with you and the family, but he will have the strength to treat you the way you’re longing to be treated.
3. Your Husband Wants to Have Fun with You
Most married couples stop having fun together at some point and just start “putting the time in” together. Guys will take their wives shopping, or do other things they know their wives enjoy in an effort to make them happy. Men can easily fall into the trap of having fun with other guys and just “putting the time in” with their wives. The truth is most guys want to have fun with their wives. They want to do fun things together! They want to laugh with you until their stomach hurts and they want to get really excited about spending time with you. Because opposites attract more often than not, many husbands and wives are not into the same things. Yet, it is still really important to have fun hobbies you both look forward to together.
Mine and my wife’s interests couldn’t be more opposite. She loves shopping and musicals and vegetables and I like golf and football and chicken wings. We honestly have to work really hard to find things that we have fun doing together. But over the years, we’ve at least found a few. 😉
For us, it’s exploring new downtown areas, finding restaurants that are unique with a different atmosphere, touring model homes and watching movies together.
I suggest sitting down and planning some dates out together. Ask each other, “What do you have the most fun doing in life? What do you really look forward to and enjoy and how can we do more fun things together?”
4. Your Husband Wants You to Want Him
Just like women can feel like guys are “just putting the time in” on dates, guys can feel like women are “just putting the time in” when it comes to sex.
Ladies, you know how you can go out on a date with your man and still not feel connected to him? It seems like his mind was a million miles away. In that same way, guys feel like your mind can be a million miles away during sex. Most guys, they’re not interested in just having sex, they’re interested in sexual fulfillment.
There is a big difference.
Sexual fulfillment happens when men feel wanted sexually by their wife. Men want to feel like they are satisfying their wife in this area. They want you to look forward to sex, and know that you’re engaged and enjoying the experience as much as they are. When a man feels like your mind is a million miles away and you’re not interested in sex, over time he will become defeated, disinterested and stop pursuing you in other areas of romance. That’s a very dangerous road to go down.
Ladies, we know you have so much on your mind, but we need you to make an effort. Do what you can to make your man feel like you want him in the bedroom. It’s vital that we feel loved and desired by you in this way.
5. Your Husband Wants You to know You’re His Top Priority
Guys are not always the best at loving their wives in the way that their wives need to be loved. That’s not an excuse it’s just true. I feel like my wife loves me so much better than I love her. But that motivates me to get better. We want you to know that our wives and family are our top priority. We’re constantly thinking about you and trying to be better for you. The problem is, we don’t always say it.
A lot of times we’ll show it by doing things for you and for the family. I know that’s not what women need, but I do believe that it is important for women to encourage their husbands when they see them making an effort to do something nice, or to be romantic.
If a guy puts forth the effort, but you reject it or point out the flaw in it, eventually he will stop trying because he will think he can’t win. Men are wired so differently than women, but the truth is: they want to provide for you, they want to give you security, they want to be the leader and hero of the family and they want you to admire them. They are thinking of ways to love you but don’t always do the best job at communicating it.
I can’t tell you how many times I have looked at my wife from across a room and said, “Man, that girl is beautiful!” but that thought doesn’t make its way to my lips and I never communicate it to her. There are so many times that I see my wife doing something that I am so impressed with and I think the world of her, but I never verbalize it and she may never know that I think it. Not making excuses, just being honest.
So please know, even when he doesn’t communicate it, he is usually thinking about you. And If he does say something to you, make a big deal about him verbalizing what he is thinking. We like admiration. See #1 & #2
In short, In the majority of healthy marriages, your husband wants you to know that you’re loved with all of their heart. When they look at you, they still see that girl they fell in love with.
It is not too late to rediscover love and passion in your marriage! They great thing is, you can take steps towards each other beginning right now.
Until next time,
Chris… & Meg
A version of this post originally appeared at nosmalllife.me, published with permission.