Have you ever seen the kid’s movie Madagascar?
If so, you’ll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don’t eat anything. Nothing. Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.
Every time I watch that movie, I am so bothered the entire time by the fact that they haven’t eaten anything, I can hardly enjoy the movie. There is just an uneasy undercurrent in my mind, because, THEY NEED TO EAT SOMETHING! (It must either be the mother, or the Italian in me).
I have this same feeling when I’m speaking to a woman who has told me that she and her husband are not (or are very rarely) being intimate.
She may have moved on to talk about other things, but my mind is stuck in one place. Even if she starts telling me about other good things that are going on in her life, there is a siren going off in the back of my mind: DANGER, DANGER, NO SEX, DANGER. So I often try to gently bring the conversation back around, because this is my thing and I genuinely want to help.
But it’s a touchy subject, and I’m often shrugged off, I think for three reasons.
Reasons Why Women Don’t Want To Talk About Sex
1. It’s too personal.
2. Women often don’t realize what a big deal this is.
3. They dread the thought of facing the problems or changing in the area of sexual intimacy.
I suspect it’s usually a little bit of each.
If you are a woman struggling in this area of sexual intimacy, I would be so honored if you would allow me the privilege of speaking to your heart for just a moment.
First of all, I want to recognize your heart and who you are. I don’t know you, but I know that marriage advice can feel so much like it ignores your unique situation and the ways you feel mistreated.
If you are not giving yourself sexually to your husband, chances are it’s because you feel your own needs have gone completely overlooked.
You can tell through your husband’s actions and words that he does not really care about your heart. He has not cherished you, tried to pursue you, has been careless and maybe even downright mean to you. And pulling back from a man who has not shown true care is about the most natural thing in the world. I understand just where you are coming from!
But I’m going to take a bet on you. If you are still reading this, I am going to bet that you are a woman after genuine change and healing. Even if the idea scares you, the fact that you’re reading this article tells me that you are not just content with this separation from your husband. You want more.
And I’m praying that as you continue reading this, your heart would be flooded with an unknown compassion and understanding about your husband. I pray that the humblest part of yourself will grasp on to the truths you need to hear- because I really do believe that God wants to heal your heart and marriage, and I’m really hoping you will allow it to happen.
How do men express intimacy?
For a man, sex is the primary way he feels accepted and expresses intimacy. The same way that for most of us women, acceptance and intimacy are felt through good communication, feeling loved and understood – for men, that comes through sex.