Today I fought back. I fought to take back my own happiness and my own joy.
Day after day. Month after month I would tell myself that it would get better. I would be more calm. I would practice more patience and gain back my control.
Then month after month it would happen like the flip of a switch. The dark cloud would slide in and with it came the foggy haze. I kept telling myself that this is normal, it’s just motherhood and tiredness. Stresses of life, power through it – you wanted to work and be a mom. Just juggle it all. Until one day I hit a wall.
The emotional rollercoaster had taken its toll. I was exhausted. Defeated. I couldn’t tell you the last time I truly laughed. Like the kind that comes from the gut of your belly. The kind that makes you want to pee your pants (maybe you actually do). This wasn’t who I was a year ago. I was trying so desperately to claw my way out, but month after month it would happen. The waves would pull me under. Over and over.
I couldn’t break the cycle because my cycle was the problem. Sis, you can say oh it will never happen to me. I’m strong enough. I can mentally shake it, believe me I was one of those people. But here’s the thing – PMDD, anxiety, depression, postpartum depression, menopause whatever it is … it doesn’t care who you are. It creeps in and it takes over. We don’t want to talk about it because somehow that makes us look weak. We don’t ask for help because we keep telling ourselves to tough it out.
