It’s easy to be optimistic in opportunity, and it’s natural to see a silver lining when everything is super. But it’s a bit tougher to keep your chin up when life knocks it down, and while you’re sinking in the waves of adversity you find it hard to stay afloat on faith. Just being honest. And you can repeat to yourself over and over, “God’s got this,” yet feeling like you believe it is hard. Because you can have faith in your heart to move a mountain, but in your mind even mole hills stay stationary. Hope is easy to hang on to in intention, but remaining hopeful in reality tougher. I can say, “no matter what, I trust you Lord,” and truly mean it, yet it won’t keep the dismay at bay. Not completely. Sometimes human nature sucks.
I’ve found myself lately going through some changes. Change is always hard. It’s easier when it’s brought on by the Lord’s urging, but not without difficulty. So as we’ve found ourselves adjusting to new situations, and especially as we’ve found ourselves waiting for the glorious next step, it’s been a season of growing pains. I say, “ok, Lord, I’m ready,” but that doesn’t make it go by any quicker. I’m still in the waiting.
Ugh. The waiting. I hate the waiting. I know it brings growth. That’s what everyone says. But gosh, it’s awful. Can we all just agree it’s awful?
And then there’s the whole enormity of the issues you face. The world whispers words like “unlikely, unrealistic,” or even the dreaded “impossible.” The world will say you can’t, that the odds are stacked too much against you, but then the Lord will whisper, I can.
The reality of life will say I can’t sell my house in this market. It will say the dreams are too lofty, and that perhaps some mountains can’t be climbed. It will say the numbers don’t add up, you’re not brave enough to do something new and scary, and that your plans are too unconventional to work. But I suppose if God is leading you to something then even apparent logic doesn’t matter.
I was reminded last night of an obstacle I faced as a young woman. I felt the Lord leading me to leave my comfort zone, leave the man I loved, leave the country! I was being led to the mission field, but I had a problem in my way. It wasn’t my folks or even college before me. It was Epilepsy.
Since the age of eight I had been medicated for abnormal brain activity and the accompanying migraines. I took medication twice a day to keep the seizures away, and I saw my neurologist at least every 3-6 months for extensive testing. Every EEG I endured always came back the same (all wrong), and whenever I was anxious or stressed I would fall down in tears at the impending aura. A pressure would build in my ears, and a harsh sound like the muffled voices of hundreds of people speaking too fast for me to understand their words would fill my head. All the soft sounds were loud, and it was like the scratching of a pencil on paper was a thousand nails on a massive chalkboard. Yet in these moments a voice of someone addressing me sounded like it was a million miles away. This burden I bore was my obstacle. How could I travel into the jungles of Guyana with seizures, and how could I manage the logistics of medications needed and unfilled prescriptions while overseas?!
The world would say it just wasn’t going to happen for me. Not everyone could go into the mission field. But God would say, “nothing is too big for me.”
