And that under-cooked part? It’s solely located in the prefrontal cortex—the very important part of the brain that controls the exact behaviors that cause parents to face-palm on a daily basis! This is the part of the brain that controls impulses, risk-taking behavior, emotional reactions, moderates social behaviors, decision-making, long-range planning, understanding future consequences of current behavior…maturity.
Yes, that’s right! Eighteen-year-old’s are not finished cookin’! They might look like they’re fully ready from the outside, but stick a fork in ’em and you’ve got a hot mess with no structure.
In other words, STILL SQUISHY.
As long as his gooey brownie center is still cooking (and even after that), I’m going to remain an important guiding influence in his life. (And since I love brownies—and my son, I’ll not ever relinquish my title as his mother!)
Please don’t grade my parenting
Which brings me to my second point (Dear self—listen up!): I don’t appreciate my parenting being judged based on how my kid has “turned out” at age eighteen. In fact, I don’t appreciate it being judged, period.
The love I have for my kids, and the energy I’ve invested into their hearts, bodies, and minds, isn’t the kind of thing that can be graded.
Feeling like I’m “getting a grade” once they reach this mystical milestone of eighteen-years-old is living under the law, and Jesus sets us free from the law. ALWAYS. I’m NOT graded by anything, and especially not by how my kids are going to “turn out. ”
Yes, I have a responsibility to raise them well. Yes, I need to pay attention to appropriate developmental milestones throughout their life in case something needs some extra intervention. Yes, I can take pride in their accomplishments. And yes, I’ll grieve their failures with them.
But my value and my kids’ value isn’t measured by the “results” of my parenting. It’s measured exclusively by Jesus.
Jesus offers grace, not a grade.
Fellow parents, unite with me against these imaginary notions that age-based milestones define who are kids are, and who we are as parents. When we hear the false command, “Pencils down, hands up,” let’s ignore it, mmm k?
Instead, let’s let go of the pressure we’re feeling to produce super-human adults by the age of eighteen and instead simply savor our kids exactly as they are in this squishy-messy season.
Let’s not feel like we have to rush them into adulthood, nor hold them back from it.
Let’s encourage them to venture out into the world (but maybe avoid Matamoros) and gain their independence, remembering that their inevitable stumbles and screw-ups will be an important part of their maturing process.
Let’s stop feeling the guilt of “parenting fail” when our kids make poor or immature choices and instead find relief in trusting that God’s plan is still in place. (Remember—our kids see the next few months of their lives, parents see the next few years of their lives…but only God knows the whole path of their life journey.)
And let’s look beyond their achievements or failures as defined by the world, and take the time to see them through the eyes of Jesus.
May we breathe a deep sigh of relief and remember that no matter what, Jesus loves them unconditionally, and he’s not tracking their score or yours.
Age eighteen is not the finish line—for them, or for their parents.
Truth? There is no finish line.
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This article originally appeared at MyLifeTree.com.
