But most of all, I prayed for myself and my well-being.
I prayed my heart would accept that I may never know what it is like to be a mama to a girl. That my heart doesn’t break when I have to shop for girl items for baby showers, birthday parties, and other occasions. That my heart doesn’t hurt when I look down in the always messy toy room to see Ninja Turtles, tools, and action figures when I envisioned seeing all of that plus dolls and lots of pink.
However, if you are struggling with infertility, I realize at this moment of reading, you may want to choke me—and I totally get that and respect that. Make no mistake, I realize how blessed I am. This body, although destroyed, carried three, well four, beautiful children. I had a miscarriage of baby number three although that’s a completely different story. I definitely do not need others to count my blessings for me and please know I am not being insensitive to your feelings of wanting a child and not giving a darn about the gender of the baby.
We have friends in our circle who have or are struggling with infertility. I have watched their trials of the massive needles, failed pregnancy tests, and tons of tears. I do not take this job I have been given lightly.
But what I know is this, other people’s opinions of my feelings do not matter. When you envision something and it does not turn out like you thought, there is a time to grieve that dream, to realize your current situation. I am entitled to feel the way I feel even if others do not understand it. Even if you are reading this and thinking whoa, girl, you are being a total snob. However, if you knew me, you would realize that is not me at all.
To the lady at Panera . . . you did not mean to cause any harm. You were the sweetest of ladies, and I’m honored you came over to look at my family. I realize society does not make it easy when a high volume of ads or television shows contain one girl and one boy, and we think that is how all families are supposed to look.
See you are not the first to recognize my family is filled with boys. In just eight weeks, I’ve heard it all: Are you going to try for a girl? Bless your heart, you have three boys! I would rather have three boys than a girl any day. There is a special place in Heaven for mamas like you!
So please, if you see a family in public that is not balanced, smile and tell them how adorable their children are.
Compliment the mom on how she’s got everything together through all of the craziness. Remember your comment about being a boy mom or that boys are way easier than girls may actually cut deep into a wound that needs to be healed. And if I’m being honest, before I realized those comments hurt, I was one of the people who made them and had to learn the hard lesson.
I am a happy boy mom at this point and am learning all things about wrestling, sports, and just how much boys can pee outside of the toilet. What I hope you will take away from this is that nobody gets to tell you that your dreams are not important. They also do not get to tell you how to feel when something does not go the way you thought it would. You have a right to feel however the heck you want, and for me, it was grieving the daughter I thought I would have.
I also hope you realize just because I wanted a daughter, it does not make me any less of a mom. I love these guys with every fiber of my being and devote my life to them. I am truly living simply blessed and am just thrilled with these guys. You see God trusted me to be their mom, and I am honored.
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This piece originally appeared at LiveSimplyBlessed.com, published with permission.
