Dear Joshua, Sophie, and Jonah,
Hey, kiddos. Man, I’m really peeved at myself for not coming up with this list of ways to make your summer break amazing a little earlier, but I tell ya what, they let you out of school TOO EARLY. I just wasn’t mentally ready! I mean, can the calendar at least say JUNE before you guys are set loose? May is not summer. Contrary to popular belief, Memorial Day is NOT the start of summer. June 21 is, no matter what the school calendar or societal pressures say. So following the actual calendar rule, I am only like  days late with this list instead of six weeks late. BOOM. That’s just slightly tardy to the party, am I right?
Oh, shoot. I just looked at the calendar to see what day school starts up and we only have  DAYS LEFT of summer break! Eeeek! Maybe I AM way late to the party, dag nabbit. Well, kids, that just means we’re going to have to rock this summer break in hyperdrive. Let’s get cracking! Your brilliant mother has come up with some fantastic ways we can make summer break amazing around here. So listen up! I expect you to take notes!
Mom’s rules for an amazing summer break
1) Get up EARLY
Listen up, pups. You know I get up at 6:30 every day to work while you’re sleeping, but the truth is that the whole time I am drinking my coffee and being super-productive, I am longing to see your little faces and be constantly interrupted. Plus, there are SO MANY EXCITING SUMMER THINGS happening in the wee hours of the morning, you just do NOT wanna miss it. So PLEASE, do not sleep any later than 7:30 a.m. every day or our summer is gonna literally be the worst.
2) Ask me for stuff constantly
Just because you’re old enough to make your own cereal, use the microwave, do your own laundry, and get yourself dressed doesn’t mean I still don’t want to do EVERYTHING for you. I’m a MOM, even though I have a work from home job now. If you fail to interrupt me every [five] minutes to look at your latest bug bite or tell me a really l-o-n-g story about Super Mario Odyssey or ask me to do something that you can totally do for yourself, I will FORGET WHO I AM and become completely depressed. Please do not attempt to be independent under any circumstances!
3) Beg me to have a friend over at least [three] times a day
“School’s out! YAY! I love summer! Except for when I remember I won’t spend all day, every day with my friends!” Easy solution to this one kiddos. I LOVE to be nagged, and I also love to drive back and forth picking up your friends to come to our house when I’m supposed to be on the clock doing my job, SO — please request the presence of a friend at least 3x daily, or I might think that our house and yard full of toys is enough to keep you content and busy. Also, please pick the friend that lives the farthest away to avoid any attempts at convenience. Because everyone knows that “work from home” means your hours are flexible, so flexible, in fact, that you don’t actually have to DO any work at all and you can give your kids the summer of their dreams and still get paid. WHEE!
4) Fight with each other
There’s nothing worse than peace and quiet on a summer afternoon so for the love of all that’s holy, PLEASE BICKER ON A REGULAR BASIS. If you need tips on how to get a row started, let me know. If you don’t give me a fight to break up I’m going to a) get super bored and b) have really low blood pressure and c) be extra-productive at work and possibly break the internet so — start being jerks to each other, STAT! Now you older two, I want you to set a good example for your younger brother. Because of his speech-language and social delays, he’s a little behind on what it takes to push another person’s buttons until [they] explode in rage, and we’ve got to get him up to snuff on that so he can properly function in society. So make sure to torture each other endlessly so that your little brother can learn by example. I know you won’t let me down!
5) Say you’re bored
This just in: I LIVE TO ENTERTAIN. And since we’ve already established that I have nothing better to do, y’all need to keep me hopping by claiming boredom so I can come up with a huge list of activities to combat that. BONUS POINTS if you reject ALL my ideas and go back to doing what you were doing before you claimed boredom. Double bonus points if you three team up to come up with a huge summer bucket list (aka “to do list for Mom”) that has at least 50 things on it! As I mentioned previously, we’ve only got 40 days left to make all this happen so please, please make special notes on the list of activities that can be done on the same day or at the same time. No bucket list item left behind!
Honestly kiddos, I could go on and on, but since clearly you guys have a lot to do, I’ll stop there. But first let me say this: I believe in you! I know you can take these five things and rock them like a bunch of underage BOSSES, so get cracking! I’m literally on the edge of my seat waiting to be interrupted.
Go get ’em!
P.S. Just kidding. This was actually just a really long, drawn-out lesson on how to properly use sarcasm, which, as a responsible parent, I am duty-bound to give. Love you, and all the time we get to spend together. (That last line was not sarcasm, I promise!)