In response to the sexual revolution of the 1960s, various high-profile scandals ñ and the recent changes in marriage laws ñ many Christians have gotten defensive about marriage. It is right for us to defend the Biblical doctrines of marriage. But in doing so we have exalted the relationship to a godlike status promising it can fulfill every social and emotional need. In the process, friendship an institution that was once sacred to Christians ñ has taken a far back seat to marriage, out of fear that a friend might compete with a spouse. Friendships with the same gender are often neglected, and mixed friendships are seen as taboo.
My wife cannot fulfill the role of all of the sister/mother relationships that my soul needs. Neither can I replace all of the brother/ father relationships that God may have for my wife in the church. We are not called to be a gathering of tightly defined families for God. We are called to be THE Family of God. It is true that we must avoid putting ourselves in situations that bring about strong temptation ñ with either gender. And, yes, cross sex friendships can have pitfalls that we must be wise to avoid. We are naive if we pretend that our fallen nature always makes this easy. But the possibility of something good being abused or misused is not a valid excuse for avoiding the good thing altogether.
Our new integrity rules are counter-productive because we have genuine needs for healthy male-female relationships. If we donít get those needs met in healthy ways, we make ourselves vulnerable to seeking them out in unhealthy ways. The man who receives holy female affirmation from sisters in Christ is less likely to search for unholy female affirmation on a computer screen or and improper relationships. The woman who has godly fathers and brothers in the church caring for and encouraging her is less likely to be looking for ungodly masculine love through erotica and illicit interactions. By separating ourselves from healthy interaction with the opposite sex, we are not farther from sin but more open to it.
Contrary to what Freud taught, we can live happily without sex. But we canít live happily without intimacy. Paul instructs Timothy, Talk to younger men as you would to your own brothers. Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters (1 Tim 5:2). The church is to be a place where father, mother, sister, brother, aunt and uncle relationships can flourish across biological, generational, and gender lines.
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In addition to his book, Forbidden Friendships, Joshua D. Jones has just released Elijah Men Eat Meat a book of short but strong readings for young men based on the life of Elijah.
