And I replay my own voice from the day, its tones, the harshness, the apologies, the love, and the laughter.
And my eyes, although so very weary and longing to shut, they often stare, glued to the glowing screen of my phone, scanning photos of these boys I grew and bore from my own body. And I recount.
I recount photos of moments from our day. Then back through the week. Then back to last week. All the way back to our trip to Florida in August. Then back to Colorado in May.
And eventually I find myself staring at brand new, just-from-the-womb, wrinkly, pink, perfect faces with the deepest blue eyes you’ve ever seen, staring back up with those first, “Oh, hello Mama!” expressions.
Words to Reveal Those Pennies Spent
I also read. I take in words inked from my heart to lined paper, in three little journals begun the weeks I found out about each of my boys, as well as the little one I will hold come May. These journals house words of fear, words of pride, words of hopes, words of desperate prayer.
I pour over the stories spanning from two pink lines, to first kicks, to the first time I held them; to the sleepless weeks following, to first birthdays. These pages bear witness to how pennies have been spent.
Looking Beyond a Single Penny to a Larger Investment
And that is when I see it, right there next to journals bearing tiny inked footprints on the inside covers. A jar full. 936 pennies rich. And the photos, the voices, the words, the memories of each week, each day, each moment from the maternity ward until now–I see them well spent.
Despite the days I lost a penny in the couch, or spent one frivolously, or got to the end of the day and wondered if I would ever get things right, or if I would get to the end of 18 years and be full of regret–grace begins to wash over me.
Those fears wash away in light of it all; in light of 76 weeks with my dear, sweet, loud toddler; and 172 weeks with my firstborn, the son who made me a mom.
When I back up and see all those weeks as a whole, I see a grand display of God’s grace; His grace that covers a multitude of wrongs; His grace so much larger than all of my tongue slips and raised-voice moments.
Two Jars On my Desk
This realization leads me to add a new jar to my desk. Only this one is empty–for now; awaiting its own pennies. I set the two jars side by side, and I begin to count.
I count out 76 pennies, one for each week of Ellison’s life so far. I count them out from my first jar and I deposit them into this new jar.
This new jar that represents the investment of a lifetime–truly, the investment of an eternity.
This is when I realize something monumental to motherhood– that as I withdraw those pennies from that jar on my desk, they are not being lost, misplaced, or tossed out to never see again. They are being invested. They are creating something new, something of great beauty, bravery, and Kingdom importance.
They are building my son into who God has created him to be.
The Eternal Value of $9.36
One of the great plights of motherhood is how quickly this phase of life seems to slip out from our grasp.
Regularly I hear from strangers, “Enjoy it, it will be over before you know it!” But I think I do know it. Because, like Lisa-Jo Baker puts it in her book Surprised by Motherhood, I understand that,
Although some days of navigating small children through early years seem endless, I know they will be over before I know it. And that is the beauty of these two jars sitting on my desk.
One reminds me of how fleeting these days are, and the other assures me that they are being invested in something of eternal value.
***
{For all of us grappling to spend our pennies the best we can, as well as for those who have already spent all their pennies, read my follow-up post here}.
If you liked this post, I’d love to share my free resource How To Make The Most Of The Time You Have With Your Children : {10 Ways to Transform Their Life, Your Life, and Your Relationship With Them} with you. You can click on over to download it here.
