Often, Cummings says, acting like a bully is a rite of passage. Stepping in early can put an end to the bad [behavior] before it gets out of hand.
2. Make Amends
When your kid has upset someone, it’s important to apologize and reassure the other family involved that you’re committed to fixing the problem. Having your child write an apology note to the victim is also a good idea. “Parents often want to speak directly to the other parents,” says Cummings, but she suggests it’s often best to approach the other family through an intermediary such as the school [counselor], a teacher or the principal.
Moore found this out the hard way when she tried to apologize to Lapin, who was too angry to listen. “She was more interested in being angry with me, and she didn’t want to actually enter a meaningful dialogue,” Moore explains.
3. Find Out Why
According to Michael McCabe, associate professor of education at Nipissing University in North Bay, Ont., kid bullies may be imitating angry [behavior] they witness at home, getting pressured by peers or bullied themselves. McCabe is working on a book called “Conversations with Children: Raising Our Bullied Children,” and recommends asking kids questions in a non-accusatory tone and starting a discussion about what they think they do that makes other people feel happy, annoyed or scared. In Joshua’s case, he didn’t like having to sit down and read books with an older student in the school’s reading buddy program. He found the books too easy — but instead of saying that, he called her fat and told her she was a bad reader.
“Show your child that you understand what it’s like to be annoyed, angry or jealous, or to want attention,” says Cummings. “Help him understand his feelings and explain that we all experience them, but that it’s never OK to act aggressively because of them.”
4. Give consequences
Bullying can be a dangerous cycle, says Cummings. “If left unchecked, it can be very reinforcing for the child who bullies — it increases feelings of power.” That’s why it’s important that adults step in and give consequences to teach that bullying is “wrong, hurtful and unacceptable,” she says.
If you witness your kid hurting or speaking meanly to another child, pull her aside immediately and tell her to apologize — this teaches her that it’s important to take responsibility for your actions and make amends when you’ve hurt or upset someone, says Cummings. Warn her that the next time she acts that way, she’ll have to leave.
While calling out the [behavior] is key, avoid harsh punishments that might intimidate or humiliate your child, like yelling. “Sometimes parents genuinely believe their child should experience how terrible it feels to be bullied, to have a taste of her own medicine,” says Cummings. “While fear may curb the [behavior] in the short term, it will not change it.” McCabe says parents should choose a logical consequence related to the [behavior]. If your kid hurts and intimidates a friend, cancel a few playdates. If he punches someone, he should be kept in at recess and away from his friends.
5. Check Yourself
“As parents, we have to think of ourselves as being on stage,” Pepler says. “If we want our children to be kind and helpful, then we have to show them how to be kind and helpful.” Take an objective look at what’s happening at home. Do you slam doors when you’re upset, raise your voice at your spouse or speak badly about your mother-in-law? If so, it’s time to make a change.
Moore and her husband felt they had a positive environment at home, and they vowed to maintain it. When they saw Ewan behaving well, they were quick to jump in and tell him he was doing a good job so he’d want to keep acting that way. In the playground after school, they kept a close eye on his actions and stepped in if they saw him being mean to another kid. Moore stopped hearing complaints about the way Ewan was treating Sam, and, within two and a half months, his [behavior] in the classroom improved.
Shea’s family adopted a similar strategy. She and her husband make themselves available whenever Joshua needs to talk, and they don’t judge his emotions. They are also taking Joshua to a psychologist and had him apologize to the girl he offended and her parents, as well as write her a letter to tell her what she’s good at and what he likes about her.
Shea is working with Joshua to help him verbalize how he’s feeling rather than act out, and she has asked his teachers to let him call home if he’s upset at school. “Whether the bullying stops — we will see. I hope we’re educating him enough that he makes the right choices.”
* Names have been changed
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This post originally appeared at shandleymcmurray.com, published with permission.
