I can remember the first day of my motherhood identity crisis. It was 2007. Miley Cyrus was still a normal human being. I was a new mom to a very colicky newborn whom would projectile vomit every time she was breastfed. Blogs and parenting books were on the rise, and all I knew to do in an immediate nature was cling on to some vaguely appealing form of parenting and hold on tight, almost like choosing a motherhood identity for myself at a checkout line.
My husband came home to sobbing wife in a living room full of unfolded towels on the floor, a book in my lap and a laptop in the other, and a screaming baby in an infant seat, and me viciously trying to figure out online what was wrong with my baby when I KNEW.
I KNEW deep down, as a woman who left her career to stay home with her baby, whom had never had any semblance of parenting experience whatsoever. I knew what was wrong with her.
Breastfeeding. She was not getting enough milk, and the milk she was receiving was making her puke. As a now eight year old, she still does not do well with dairy, which I had to cut out of my diet while trying to nurse her.
But when well meaning advice and internet and books and ladies in the stores will tell you, “breast is best”, you stick with it, even when your gut tells you NO, because that’s the motherhood identity that you chose at checkout, right?
You chose this motherhood identity of:
- cloth diapering
- baby wearing
- organic baby food making
- oil diffusing
- cooking from scratch
- private school searching
- daycare seeking
- balancing it all
And while all of those are beautiful choices (really, they are), they do not line up with the heart of who you are on the inside, the hidden heart that no one else sees, but you go along with it anyway, because you sold your soul to the motherhood identity that you presented to the world.
Because that’s the thing: you read that paragraph above describing two women, to distinct “choices” and began to identify with one of them.