Dear Firstborn Baby Boy:
(Yes I can still call you that.)
There are some things about motherhood that I knew in my heart from the moment I knew you were growing inside me.
I knew I wanted you with all my heart. I knew I loved you more than I ever thought possible. I knew you were the best thing I’d ever had a hand in creating.
There were other things I knew the moment they laid you in my arms.
I knew you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I knew your sweetness would know no bounds. I knew it was a privilege to be your mom.
And as you grew, I knew.
I knew you were smart. I knew you were sensitive. I knew you were creative. I knew you were loving. I used to say, “Oh Joshua, I hope you always love me as much as you love me right now.” Because I knew I would ALWAYS love you with all my heart. I knew there was nothing you could do to make me love you less.
I knew I would be happy that you were growing up and a little sad, too, but still…I wasn’t even sad when you went to kindergarten, because I knew you would THRIVE in school.
But my darling, my firstborn, there was something I didn’t know. And it’s made me a bit of a mess. So, I just wanted to say “I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know that puberty would wreck me. Not my puberty, I came through that one ok, but YOURS. I know this is weird to talk about, but son?
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know that my heart would crack the first time your voice did.
I didn’t know that you being just as tall as me would make me feel small and helpless.
I didn’t know that your once-abundant hugs would become a rare, spontaneous treat that could bring me to tears.